Trying to find a
surrogate is such a daunting task.
We did not really
know where to start and it took many months before we thought we knew enough
about the altruistic surrogacy process to talk to people about surrogacy. It
took a while to get the strength to even start the journey.
This is our story
about what we did to try find an altruistic surrogate. It is very important
that you know the legalities of your State, things we can do in Western Australia
are illegal in other jurisdictions.
Once I realised
that my ongoing medication would have a detrimental impact on my ability to
have a child I was very concerned. Ryan and I talked about what we might do.
The first thing
we did was meet all my specialists. Rather than rely on what non-professionals
were saying we thought we go straight to the people that had all my results.
These meetings let us know our options. You have to be ready to hear things you
might not want to hear. This was not the case for me, but we had to be prepared
for some very honest discussions.
I then started to
search on the web. There is so much information on the internet but you have to
be very discrete and discerning about what you are reading. This gave me a
general idea about surrogacy.
Ryan and I then
went to a couple of IVF clinics. Where we could get an interview we did, and
asked as many questions as possible. These people are professionals in a very
advanced form of medical intervention. We were very glad to have people talk to
about IVF and surrogacy. This process costs a lot of money and you need a
referral from your GP but I think it is worth it.
So at some point
we decided that we knew enough about the technical details and it was time to
start the search.
We were told to
be as honest as possible when communicating with people about our desire to try
surrogacy. We also knew that the best possible surrogate is a family member,
like a sister or cousin.
For us the most
important thing was that someone would offer, without feeling any obligation.
Intending parents and surrogates have to entre into this arrangement for all
the right reasons.
We started small.
We talked to our parents about what we were hoping to do.
I then found all
the blogs and forums I could find on the internet. There are heaps of places to
talk to surrogates and intending parents on the web. All the links I found are
listed under the “useful links” page.
I spent months
just watching and reading peoples comments and blogs. It is important that you
get a good feel for what people share on the forum. You will find people will
have different opinions and you may not agree with them all. We believe forums
and blogs are just like real life, you need to be respectful of people; if you
are supportive and helpful people will be attracted to you; if you are negative
and angry people may back off from helping you. Whenever I posted I made sure I
had a clear mind, felt relatively happy and was not super tired. It is easy to
be positive when you are mentally happy and possibly have a big block of
chocolate to eat at the same time.
You have to be
prepared to spend many hours, days, weeks, months and even years before a
surrogate starts to chat with you.
I found people
really happy to help. It is a lovely community with many people egger to tell
their story and provide advice. Embrace the stories and learn from them.
Some things we
have thought of doing:
- · Talk to our immediate family
- · Talk to extended family and friends *
- · Take part in surrogacy specific forums
- · Send FaceBook messages to friends
- · Ask friends to send out a facebook message to their friends
- · Start a blog
- · Meet surrogates – we are flying to other States to meet a surrogate that has already been through the process
- · Meet with other arranging / intending parents
- · Advertisement in parenting newspaper
- · Mail box drop
* Ask for
friends and family to help but do not make them feel under pressure. Remember
to listen about their lives. It can be boring if you only talk about on topic.
It is super hard to not want to only talk about surrogacy but slowly getting
family and friends on side has a better long term outcome.
Be ready for a
long journey, that has a focus on balance. Make sure you have some fun or
enjoyable things to do other than just finding a surrogate. Take regular breaks
from the search, so it does not become all consuming.
Good luck with
your search for a very special woman to help.
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