A beautiful quote...

"It's the ultimate expression of hope, isn't it, to have children."

Cate Blanchett, at Oscars 22 Feb, 2015

You never know where you might find a surrogate

Trying to find a surrogate is such a daunting task.

We did not really know where to start and it took many months before we thought we knew enough about the altruistic surrogacy process to talk to people about surrogacy. It took a while to get the strength to even start the journey.

This is our story about what we did to try find an altruistic surrogate. It is very important that you know the legalities of your State, things we can do in Western Australia are illegal in other jurisdictions.

Once I realised that my ongoing medication would have a detrimental impact on my ability to have a child I was very concerned. Ryan and I talked about what we might do.

The first thing we did was meet all my specialists. Rather than rely on what non-professionals were saying we thought we go straight to the people that had all my results. These meetings let us know our options. You have to be ready to hear things you might not want to hear. This was not the case for me, but we had to be prepared for some very honest discussions.

I then started to search on the web. There is so much information on the internet but you have to be very discrete and discerning about what you are reading. This gave me a general idea about surrogacy.

Ryan and I then went to a couple of IVF clinics. Where we could get an interview we did, and asked as many questions as possible. These people are professionals in a very advanced form of medical intervention. We were very glad to have people talk to about IVF and surrogacy. This process costs a lot of money and you need a referral from your GP but I think it is worth it.

So at some point we decided that we knew enough about the technical details and it was time to start the search.

We were told to be as honest as possible when communicating with people about our desire to try surrogacy. We also knew that the best possible surrogate is a family member, like a sister or cousin.

For us the most important thing was that someone would offer, without feeling any obligation. Intending parents and surrogates have to entre into this arrangement for all the right reasons.

We started small. We talked to our parents about what we were hoping to do.

I then found all the blogs and forums I could find on the internet. There are heaps of places to talk to surrogates and intending parents on the web. All the links I found are listed under the “useful links” page.

I spent months just watching and reading peoples comments and blogs. It is important that you get a good feel for what people share on the forum. You will find people will have different opinions and you may not agree with them all. We believe forums and blogs are just like real life, you need to be respectful of people; if you are supportive and helpful people will be attracted to you; if you are negative and angry people may back off from helping you. Whenever I posted I made sure I had a clear mind, felt relatively happy and was not super tired. It is easy to be positive when you are mentally happy and possibly have a big block of chocolate to eat at the same time.

You have to be prepared to spend many hours, days, weeks, months and even years before a surrogate starts to chat with you.

I found people really happy to help. It is a lovely community with many people egger to tell their story and provide advice. Embrace the stories and learn from them.

Some things we have thought of doing:

• ·      Talk to our immediate family
• ·      Talk to extended family and friends *
• ·      Take part in surrogacy specific forums
• ·      Send FaceBook messages to friends
• ·      Ask friends to send out a facebook message to their friends
• ·      Start a blog
• ·      Meet surrogates – we are flying to other States to meet a surrogate that has already been through the process
• ·      Meet with other arranging / intending parents
• ·      Advertisement in parenting newspaper
• ·      Mail box drop

* Ask for friends and family to help but do not make them feel under pressure. Remember to listen about their lives. It can be boring if you only talk about on topic. It is super hard to not want to only talk about surrogacy but slowly getting family and friends on side has a better long term outcome.

Be ready for a long journey, that has a focus on balance. Make sure you have some fun or enjoyable things to do other than just finding a surrogate. Take regular breaks from the search, so it does not become all consuming.

Good luck with your search for a very special woman to help.

Keep the lines of communication open

Each of us has a preferred way to communicate. Some like to chat on the phone, others text or write emails, and social media is a very common way that people keep in touch. Spending time sharing a meal can be a great way to have a face to face catch up and share some fun times and great food. 

We think the most important thing is for surrogates and arranging parents (intending parents) is to keep the lines of communication open.

Talk about you expectations, know how often you want to catch up, how much you want to share, who in each others life you would like to meet. 

While you hope the journey will be beautiful and hassle free, building trust at the beginning will make it easier to have the hard discussions later, if needed.

We find it is really fun to get to know new people. They can bring so much new joy and happiness into your life. We are keen to embrace the positives this journey can bring. 

Ask your questions, come to an agreement ... then get a lawyer.

Putting the hard yards at the beginning means life is easier during the process, but that does not mean it is simple. 

This week we have been calling lawyers to determine costs to assist us in preparing the pre-surrogacy agreement, when the time comes. 

There are lawyers that know about the different legal requirements for different jurisdictions in Australia.

We have decided to use a lawyer that regularly creates these types of agreements, we think experience can help with an efficient process.

Remember, in Australia the birthing mother is the legal mother of the child until the parenting order has been put in place 28 days after birth, so a legal agreement can be helpful. They are also a requirement of the application to the reproductive technology council.

We have been given a very helpful tip. 

Before meeting with the lawyer, catch up with your surrogate (and her family) and work through all the questions you might have about the process. There are so many benefits, you get to know each better, everyones wishes and desires are written on paper, other people can see everyones intent, and it is a more cost effective and simple process during the later stages of the surrogacy journey. 

The best scenario is if you can all agree before starting the process of drafting the legal agreement. Be prepared to ask about, discuss and answer some pretty emotionally intense topics.


I updated the list of questions into one mega long list that is divided into each stage of the surrogacy process. It took us about 4-5 hours to provide the first draft of answers, and we still need to source more information. 

You have to put aside the appropriate amount of time to do this properly.

Hope this list of questions helps.

Surrogate and Arranging Parents Questions

When a potential surrogate is already known to you

1.     How do you think being a surrogate might affect our relationship?

2.     Do you think your relationship with a potential child born from surrogacy would be different from your relationship with a child I was able to have without your help?

3.     Who in our circle of friends and family do you think should be aware of our arrangement?

Motivations

4.     What makes you interested in carrying for us?

5.     How long have you been thinking about being a surrogate?

6.     What attracted you to me/us?

7.     Have you ever been a surrogate for anyone else?

8.     Is this the right time for you to be a surrogate? What else is going on in your life right now?

Family and Work

9.     What is your family situation? Partner? Children? Extended family?

10.  Is your family comfortable with you doing this? How might this affect them? Are they willing to support your decision if you choose to do this?

11.  If you haven’t told people, do you intend to? If so, when might you do this? How might you explain your pregnancy to others including your children, friends, family, and people in the supermarket?

12.  Do you work outside the home?

13.  How flexible is your workplace if you need to take time off?

Health

14.  How old are you?

15.  Do you or your extended family have any medical conditions that might affect the pregnancy?

16.  Do you smoke, drink, use recreational drugs?

17.  Can you tell me about your previous pregnancies? Have you ever had a termination, miscarriage, stillbirth or relinquished a child for adoption?

Medical Procedures

18.  What do you know about the medical procedures involved in being a surrogate? Are you comfortable with having injections, internal ultrasounds and embryo transfer procedures and the possible risks they entail?

19.  How would you manage with treatment and work including looking after your own children?

20.  If an egg and/or sperm donor are being used – are you comfortable with this?

21.  Are you aware there are health risks to you during the pregnancy and the birth?

22.  The IVF process may not be successful. How would you feel if you do not become pregnant or miscarry?

23.  It can take a long time to complete all the steps before we commence treatment (medical, legal and counselling appointments and approval from the Reproductive Technology Council). How much time are you prepared to commit to this?

24.  If the first or second embryo transfer were not successful would you be prepared to try again?

Legal Implications and Costs

25.  Are you aware that it is illegal for us to pay you? We will pay any necessary expenses e.g. medical, counselling, legal and travel expenses and expenses relating to pregnancy, including life insurance.

26.  Are you aware that at birth you would be the legal parent until parentage is transferred to us at a later stage?

Medical Arrangements for Surrogate

27.  Once the Surrogacy application has been approved - is there a limit to the number of treatment cycles the Surrogate will undertake?

28.  Who will accompany (if anyone) Surrogate to clinical appointments I procedures etc?

29.  Does the Surrogate want the Arranging Parent’s in the consultation/procedure at the same time?

30.  Does the Surrogate give consent for the clinic to give results etc to the Arranging Parent/s?

Written consent will be required.

During the Pregnancy

31.  Surrogate's lifestyle choices during pregnancy? List any agreed restrictions on Surrogate during pregnancy ....... . (diet, smoking, alcohol, exercise, recreational drugs, travel, employment)

32.  How would you feel if you became pregnant with twins?

33.  What tests regarding the baby’s health and wellbeing would you consider having?

34.  How would you feel if you were to become pregnant and the baby was diagnosed with a serious abnormality and we wanted to terminate the pregnancy? What if you thought there should be a termination and we disagreed?

35.  How involved would you want us to be involved during the pregnancy? Would you feel comfortable if we/I came to medical appointments with you? How much contact is too much contact? How little contact might be too little for you?

36.  Would you agree to us finding out the gender of the baby? Would you be disappointed if we didn’t?

37.  How would you manage with pregnancy and work including looking after your own children?

38.  If you became sick during the pregnancy and needed bed rest or hospitalisation, how would you manage? What support could we give you?

39.  If Arranging Parents deceased before birth who decides fate of the child?

40.  Will the child be for "open adoption" or family adoption?

Fetal Abnormalities / Miscarriage

41.  Decisions about fetal abnormalities (genetic abnormality/disease)

If termination required/decided upon - who decides?

• Arranging parents in consult with Clinicians

• Birth parents in consult with Clinicians

42.  If miscarriage occurs - where will procedure (D&C) be undertaken?

43.  Who will be responsible for out of pocket costs?

44.  How will this be managed?

45.  Agreed arrangements in the case of a stillbirth?

46.  Who will make decisions regarding autopsy, funeral etc.

Delivery of baby

47.  What is your ideal birth? Where would you want to deliver?

48.  Choice of Obstetrician and hospital would you prefer?

49.  Private Health insurance?

50.  Discussion regarding type of delivery?

51.  Medications during labour?

52.  Who will be contacted with information regarding commencement of delivery?

Grandparents, aunts, uncles, children etc ......

53.  Who will be in the delivery room during birth?

54.  Recording of delivery?

55.  Camera/video? (Hospital/birth centre restrictions may apply?)

56.  Who will undertake this?

57.  Would you like us to attend or would you prefer we wait outside? Who should cut the cord?

58.  Who will be the first to hold the baby?

59.  What arrangements for the remainder of the "rooming in" period?

Discussion with hospital/birth centre may be required regarding this.

60.  Arranging parent/s to have additional room?

61.  What arrangements for the discharge of baby from the hospital?

62.  Some surrogates express colostrum and breast milk for the baby. What is your view on this?

63.  Have you thought about possible complications occurring at birth or if the child was delivered and was very sick or disabled?

64.  If Caesarian birth required, what arrangements will be made to support the birth mother at home after the birth?

65.  Will there be costs associated with this support?

Post Birth

66.  If Arranging Parents deceased after birth but before parenting order finalised, who decides fate of the child?

67.  Will the child be for "open adoption" or family adoption?

68.  What contact/communication will the arranging parents have with the birth parent/s following delivery?

Welfare of the child

69.  Do you plan on telling the child about the Surrogacy Arrangement?

70.  How will this be managed?

Finances

71.  What arrangements are made in relation to the Surrogate's time away from employment (if applicable)?

72.  What consideration to loss of wages?

73.  What arrangements made regarding childcare during pregnancy and confinement if required?

74.  Responsibility for costs relating to childcare if any?

Future Contact and Role

75.  How do you think you will feel towards the child you helped us make?

76.  Would you be prepared to stay in contact with us if the treatment is successful and we are able to have a child with your help?

77.  How much contact would you ideally like to have and would you prefer it to be face-to- face contact or via email/Facebook/mail. Will it possibly involve family celebrations?

78.  We plan to tell our child about you as we think it will be important for our child to know where they have come from and your special part in their beginning? Are you comfortable with this?

79.  What role do you imagine you might have in our child’s life?

80.  What would you like our child to call you?

81.  Do you imagine there will be any future contact between our child and your children?

Conflict Resolution

82.  If a disagreement occurs between parties before, during or after the Surrogacy how will conflict be resolved? Counselling?

83.  How would your family like to proceed in the tragic situation that you were to become significantly ill or die before the birth of the child?

84.  How would you like us to support you and your family if there was a serious illness or death in your family?