Unicorns

One for all the beautiful surrogates out there. 

Intending parents affectionately refer to surrogates as "unicorns that fart glitter" 

Unicorn - because surrogates are so very rare and so very precious. 

Fart glitter - Us intending parents' think surrogates are so special that we don't even notice the normal smelly bits, even their farts are glorious and sparkly

Perth Surrogacy Girls - Sunday Picnic

On Sunday, I met up with the lovely ladies that make up the Perth Surrogacy group. Every time I meet these lovely ladies I learn something or I am challenged on my views to think differently. It is a really non-confronting environment that makes me think, which is great.

In the group, there was a surrogate and egg donor, a hopeful surrogate, intending parents, parents with a child from surrogacy.

These were some of the ideas that came up in conversation

• Break down the “us and them” perspective – team work makes the dream work – surrogates and Intending parents are needed for the journey to be complete
• Have a Doula to support both the surrogate and the intending parents, she might also be OK to take the odd photograph. Often midwives are busy with more than one birthing mother so if you want the comfort of reassurance when you want is without any delays perhaps a doula is the way to go.
• A doula (/ˈduːlə/), also known as a birth companion and post-birth supporter, is a nonmedical person who assists a person before, during, and/or after childbirth, as well as her spouse and/or family, by providing physical assistance and emotional support.
• Some people are not that interested in photographs, the group suggested that you take photos of the birth, it will only ever happen once.
• Enable the baby to know the intending parents voices, perhaps it is regularly meeting with the birth mother, make a recoding and then there are the microphone things that can be placed in all kinds of places. Check with your surrogate to see if she is happy to help.
• Check with your hospital if they know about the “Sacred Hour” and the 9 stages of baby breast feeding.
• Know the personalities of the people involved in the surrogacy process. Introverted people often get energy and become calm when they are able to spend time with themselves. An extrovert often needs to share emotions and experiences with all the people around them. You can imagine that these two approaches could cause conflict in a tense situation, like waiting for a baby to arrive. Both the intending parents and the surrogate needs to try and understand where the other person/ people are coming from.   
• The surrogate has to have the ability to communicate with people about what they are about to go through. It is an amazing thing to do for another person and not being able to talk about it would be very difficult.
• It is helpful for intending parents to have people to chat to, getting vital information from others going through the same thing. The same is for  surrogates, they need to understand what they are about to do, they learn by talking to others. Personally, I avoid too much time on forums unless I have a specific question. I found that I was starting to worry more than I would usually, especially when I was taking on board the problems of the participants on the forum. I would like to help people but I think it is important to also look after your own mental health as well.   
• Establish a friendship between the surrogate (and her family) and intended parents, then talk about surrogacy. This will help if things get tough later down the track. 

The 5 Craziest Things I’ve Heard As A Gestational Surrogate by Crystal Henry

I really like the answers Crystal has given in this article. Note in Australia all surrogates, including the gestational ones are unable to be paid, the process must be altruistic.

How can you possibly give up a baby you’ve carried for 9 months?

That’s messed up. Well let’s see, are you afraid your long-time babysitter is going to kidnap your child one day? Doubtful. (If you are, you should probably look into switching care givers ASAP.) Most reputable agencies require surrogates to have at least one child of their own for keepsies before they can apply to be a surrogate. I think this is to ensure that they know what assholes newborns are, so they don’t have any delusions. Surrogates do form a bond with the baby like any good babysitter would. But you go into surrogacy knowing it’s not yours to keep. Plus, when you see that baby with her parents for the first time, the look on their faces makes it very easy to hand her over.

But come on, won’t you feel like it’s your baby?

Since it’s not my baby…no, I won’t. Gestational carriers are not genetically related to the baby (unless you’re carrying for a family member. Then you just get to buy the World’s Best Aunt onesies and own that shit.) The embryos are created by the parents and/or donors, and Little Bun gets in your oven via IVF. Not by bumping uglies with the intended father. That’s the old fashioned way. Not a gestational surrogate. You don’t give a surrogate baby up; you just give them back.

Isn’t using a surrogate just for pretentious women and celebrities who don’t want to get fat?

If those parents exist, they are the exception rather than the rule. Most people who use a surrogate are just ordinary people who had to get creative to build their family. They are gay couples, straight couples, single fathers, older couples and couples with unexplained infertility. There are women who almost died giving birth to their first child and women who lost their lady bits to cancer. The common thread is that they are all real people with the same end game. To grow their family.

How much are they paying you? You must be getting rich.

Umm what’s your salary run these days? Matter of fact, what are your political and religious beliefs? Can I have a bite of your sandwich and your social security number real quick? In general this is a rude question to ask anyone. But the short answer is “not enough.” Medical bills are covered by the intended parents, and most gestational surrogates are paid some sort of pre-birth child support for carrying the baby. (Note: not legal in Australia) But, unlike traditional babysitters, there aren’t many women out there who can put a fair price tag on morning sickness, stretch marks, transvaginal ultrasounds, cankles, insomnia, daily hormone injections, threat of death and oh yeah…hurling a baby out of your vagina for another person. You definitely don’t go into surrogacy for the money.

Why don’t they just adopt?

Most often this question (surprisingly) comes from people who have their own biological children. So, right back at ya. Why didn’t you adopt? Why didn’t you pull from this overflowing magical clearance bin of babies instead of making one that’s genetically linked to you? Because A) That clearance bin doesn’t exist, and adoption hoops can be heartbreaking and never-ending. B) Because some people want to see a little piece of living history continue on. That mother has a right to hope that her son gets her father’s eyes or her grandmother’s smile just as much as anyone else. A gestational surrogate just helps make it possible.

 If you have not guessed Crystal is a gestational surrogate. This article can be found at 

scarymommy.com

The Sacred Hour

As a potential mother who will not carry her own baby or be able to breast feed, research such as The Sacred Hour is interesting. I want to find as many ways as possible to establish a loving connection with our baby.

The Sacred Hour: Uninterrupted Skin-to-Skin Contact Immediately After Birth

Raylene Phillips MD, IBCLC, FAAP

Abstract

The manner in which a new baby is welcomed into the world during the first hours after birth may have short- and long-term consequences. There is good evidence that normal, term newborns who are placed skin to skin with their mothers immediately after birth make the transition from fetal to newborn life with greater respiratory, temperature, and glucose stability and significantly less crying indicating decreased stress. Mothers who hold their newborns skin to skin after birth have increased maternal behaviors, show more confidence in caring for their babies and breastfeed for longer durations. Being skin to skin with mother protects the newborn from the well-documented negative effects of separation, supports optimal brain development and facilitates attachment, which promotes the infant’s self-regulation over time. Normal babies are born with the instinctive skill and motivation to breastfeed and are able to find the breast and self-attach without assistance when skin-to-skin. When the newborn is placed skin to skin with the mother, nine observable behaviors can be seen that lead to the first breastfeeding, usually within the first hour after birth. Hospital protocols can be modified to support uninterrupted skin-to-skin contact immediately after birth for both vaginal and cesarean births. The first hour of life outside the womb is a special time when a baby meets his or her parents for the first time and a family is formed. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience and should not be interrupted unless the baby or mother is unstable and requires medical resuscitation. It is a “sacred” time that should be honored, cherished and protected whenever possible.

Address correspondence to Raylene Phillips, MD, IBCLC, FAAP, Division of Neonatology, Loma Linda University Children’s Hospital, 11175 Campus Street, Suite 11121, Loma Linda, CA 92354.

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1527336913000299